I'm Not Afraid

When I was 13, I loved it. I didn't want to move. I wanted to be 13 forever. I didn't want to go forward or backward, because I was so happy. I was content. Then I turned 14. And trust me, I'm optimistic, I had that attitude of  "Oh don't worry, maybe it won't be so bad" or at least I tried, but I was miserable nevertheless. And I lost part of me. The best part. I lost a lot of my enthusiasm. My love of life and friends and LIVING. Since I knew I couldn't go back, I just started concentrating on moving forward. For the first time in my entire life, I wasn't living in the moment. For the first time in 14 years, I couldn't wait to be older. To be 18. I've never wanted that. I've always wanted to just stay a kid. Forever. And then I realized why I was miserable, and I completely eliminated that part of my life. Actually, technically I haven't just yet, but I have in my mind!

And now I'm happy to be alive again. I want to live. To be a kid. To be Reagan. The happy-crazy enthusiastic girl you all know and love. For the first time, 14 is looking like a great number. I'm happy, okay? I'm happy. 

So I'm taking a step out of my confided room. I'm letting myself go, I'm living my life, in this moment, and most of all, I'm being myself, again.

I know there was more I was going to talk about, but its not coming to me right now, so I'll just post a song a was working on the other night.

I cross my legs and count to ten
and as girl, I played.
I never waited for the wind to throw my caution to
Travels end
The snow must thin.
Cuz it don't want to stay.
Please don't pretend.
You want the spring as much as anyone.

[chorus]
Cuz I
Want you
Need you
Is this how its supposed to be?
I need you
To be you
The only way is to say you love me too.

I sat outside the open doors 
Cuz it's the only way.
And when I realized 
It was foolish,
Well I had to run away.
And when I've closed my doors,
It means I'm not letting you in
It's time to walk away
No need for you to stay,

[chorus]

We laughed at girls
Who bite their minds
And say I love you you're the,
The only one I'll ever need.
Let me show you tonight
The boys will bite
They'll pick a fight and then you'll never forget
What you're no waiting for...
It's going to hurt.

[chorus]

WE NEED TO TALK.

It's been a long time. I know I haven't been here but I hope you'll forgive me for that.

Today. 

Today, is the first day of February. And we all know what that means. In just 14 short days, that's two weeks, the world will be giving their girlfriends roses and those nasty tasting candy hearts that are impossible to chew with cute little phrases on them. 

It's the month of love, and everyone is looking for it. This year, for the first time in my life, I am NOT. I've never been the type of person who chooses to be single. I've never been the person to want to vomit at the romance. And the reason being is that I'm 14. There is no romance. No one loves anybody, they just think they do. Its a cultural disease, and you know its gotten you before. Bit you in the ass too. But its okay, because one day, you and everyone around you will grow up, and that's what I've been hoping for. 

Teenage girls want to be in love. Teenage boys want to loose their virginity. So obviously, that's the worst combination in the world. I, do not want to be in love. I've resolved to act like a 5 year old. Love is gross. And having sex is stupid. I've realized in the last few months how easy it is to (NOT) fall in love. 

That doesn't mean I don't want a boyfriend or I don't like Valentine's Day. It's a great holiday. Very Fun. I just want to be a kid. Kids don't fall in love. Kids have fun. 

I'm sorry baby, for making you believe. 
And maybe you could tell that I've done this before. 

But I how can we be sure of such an awful thing as love?

-a forgotten song of mine