I Think Your Mom is Crazy

Once upon a time there was a girl with flaming hair. I mean literally, her hair was on fire. All the time. It was very difficult for her to sleep because she always burnt the pillows. Now that wouldn’t be such a big deal, because she is immune to fire, but fire spreads and so the bed would catch on fire, and then the floor, and then her collection of the Beatles memorabilia, and then the walls, and then the next rooms, and so on and so forth. And so not only does that put the lives of her family in danger, plus her Beatles collection completely gone, and though the fire might not kill her, being in a house of flame would be disastrously uncomfortable.

One day the girl with flaming hair decided to take a casual stroll through an enchanted forest. Now if you know anything about trees, you would know that they are very flammable. So basically, any type of forest would be a thing you would want to avoid if you had a pouf of fire atop your head. While trying to avoid spreading fires, the girl with flaming hair flung her hair back to dodge an upcoming branch. Common sense would say that fire is probably a bad thing to fling. But this was a long time ago, and the average person didn’t have a lot of that. So as I was saying, the girl with flaming hair flings back a piece of hair, which ends up hitting a previously avoided branch and catches on fire. Hearing the sounds of pines crackling, she turned around and seeing her terrible mistake, she begins to scream.

A distance away, a handsome young man was getting a drink from the nearby stream and heard the girl’s call. Still being very thirsty, since he had recently taken a Benadryl, he filled a large jug with the water and off he went. He Arrived Just in Time!! He found the girl trying to stomp out the fire with her feet, but to no avail.

“Stand back fair maiden!!” Said the brave and handsome young man as he threw his jug of water onto the fire.

The fire was then extinguished, (not to be confused with distinguished, having an air of distinction, dignity, or eminence) and the handsome young man was able to get a proper look at the girl with flaming hair.

“Oh my! Your hair is on fire!! Come with me, we must get to the stream!!”

“Oh no, my hair has always been like this! I am not in any danger.”

“Really? Wow that’s amazing.”

Suddenly the handsome young man was overcome with strange feelings!! It was like butterflies fluttering throughout his organs!! His heart rate increased!! He felt dizzy!! He was in love, or maybe it was the Benadryl. But either way, the girl with flaming hair was very beautiful.

“You are so beautiful.” He said with dreamy eyes.

The girl with flaming hair blushed. “Why thank you, you are quite handsome yourself.”

“I must be off. But won’t you first give me a parting kiss which to take with me?”

The girl with flaming hair leaned in to give him a kiss, but before she could do so, a strand of hair reached his shirt and caught it on fire. He looked down, noticed it on fire and ran away screaming, but before he got too far, he fell down and fell asleep. He had been having a runny nose for weeks now. The impact put out the flame, but now the girl with flaming hair was very upset. She walked over to him and saw that he was asleep. She knelt down beside him and began to weep. Why couldn’t her sister be the one to have hair with flames? Maybe then she wouldn’t be able to have all those cats. I don’t know how long to knelt there crying, nor do I really care. But eventually it woke up the handsome young man.

“Do not weep, beautiful maiden.”

“What reason do I have to be happy? I put everyone I care about in danger.”

What a sad life to have! The young man thought. “Don’t worry my love, I will put a stop to this and we shall be together. But until then, have you thought of wearing a ponytail?”

“What a smart idea!!”

After that, the handsome young man spent many days and many weeks thinking about the girl with flaming hair. He often came to her to ask her questions about her miraculous uncommoninity. One day he figured out what do to! He had spent many days studying her flame retardant clothing, given to her by the nearby retired gypsy. Why did they never think to use this for her pillows? He often thought. After much time in the lab, he was successful, and ran off to find the girl with flaming hair.

“My love, I have found the answer!” He said handing her a bottle.

“What’s this?” She said.

“I call it, Shampoo. Just wash your hair with this and the effects of your hair will wear off.”

The girl with flaming hair was so excited!! She gave the handsome young man a big hug and burnt him, then apologized feverishly and ran off to wash her hair. It had worked!! The girl and young man got married and lived happily ever after with 5 beautiful children. There were of course some problems with the shampoo. The counter effect didn’t last forever, so they were always having to make more, and then they ceased to work when the girl with flaming hair got angry, or went out in the rain. But mostly they were happy.

The End