An Angel

Once upon a time, in a land far far away there was a girl named J. J was a strange girl. She lived by herself on the top of the hill. The hill was a strange hill. It had grass. The grass was blue, and at night, it glowed like the stars. On the very top of J's hill was a cottage. On top of the cottage was a tower. It was a stone tower. One night there was a rider and it was storming. He saw J's beautiful tower on the glowing blue hill and decided it would be a lovely refuge from the sotrm. J was sitting safe from the downpour under the open doorway of her cottage when a a face came out of the rain. The rider was surprised to see that someone lived in the cottage, and even more surprized that it could be such a fair young maiden.
"I'm sorry to disturb you. My name is Jim. I didn't realize anyone live here, and I was hoping to find refuge."
J looked at the man's long wet hair, flattened against his face and neck. He was handsome, but not in the way of most of the people she found attractive. There was something different about him. Something mysterious. He looked tired. His journey here had taken a lifetime. It had been so hard, it had taken so long, but somehow, it wasn't long enough. J moved from the doorway so as to let him in. Finally he could find some rest. Jim immediately collapsed on to J's comfortable looking couch. He looked off into a corner. There was silence, and then he began to cry,
"How did I get here?" Jim asked.
"Its going to be alright now. You're safe." said J.
"Back there. They loved me. Back there."
"What do you feel now"
"Nothing is real."
"Mothing was real. You're safe now."
"Shouldn't I go back?"
"You can't go back. Its too late now."
JIm looked at her. Tears streamed down his face and he looked distraught, but you could not tell that he had been crying. His eyes were not bloodshot, they were not red or puffy. His face similarly was not red. There was a strange warmness, a glow about him, yet at the same time, it didn't look warm at all. Jim locked his eyes on her. He stared. J felt uncomfortable, but she didn't show it, and took a step forward. Jim contuinued to starte. He looked confused, perplexed; hurt. He stood still, not taking his eyes off her. He walked slowly towards her, almost as if he didn't realize what he was doing. How he stood less than a foot away. He looked so sad.
"You will stay here? With me?"
"I will never leave."
Jim kissed her. It was a slow, sad kiss. It was a tragic kiss. A kiss that could kill. A kiss that made millions cry below. Far beneath J's Hill. The room began to brighten. Outside it had stopped raining. The room became nothing but white. Everything was gone. J and Jim began to face away as well. Starting at the feet, J and Jim began to be pulled away from each other, without their doing. They themselves then pulled away from each other and released the kiss, but too late. Everything was gone. 

Woah... What is this?

So I've actually been writing lately, a story, and if you know me tremendously well, you know that's shocking. Uhm.... I've been having fun with it, and so I've decided that I'm going to start posting it in slow installments.

Hope you enjoy. <3

14 Things I Hate About You

1. If I look at you, look up at your eyes, down to your lips, I take in every freckle, for some reason you can't just let me enjoy that. You have to say something. "You want me to kiss you don't you?" If you think I want you to kiss me, then kiss me. It made me feel self-conscious. It made me feel like you didn't want to kiss me. Like you looked down at me. Like you were laughing at me. Maybe that's really how you felt.


2. I hated when you held your jacket open like a total tool when you went to hug me.


3. I hated when you told me how cold I was with that pained and disappointed look on your face, because I couldn't make you warm. Why didn't you care for me? Why didn't you let me wear your jacket?


5. I hated when you tried to hang out with me and my "friends". I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but I don't have any real friends. I don't hang out with those people, I was just waiting for you to show up. I wanted to be with YOU. Can you please stop walking towards them? They're walking away from us. What do you not get?


6. I hate that you don't ever hear the first thing I say. The first thing I say is always the most important. So by the time I'm done explaining something to you, you have two details right and the rest are skewed or completely incorrect.


7. I hate that you make everything so obvious. So if its one of those rare moments when you don't say exactly what's going on, I can tell what you're thinking anyway, and you think you're not obvious, but you are, SO obvious. (See No. 1)


8. I hate how you're so suspicious that everyone is lying to you all the time. I hate that. After I told you how much I hate liars. After I told you about two of the people that broke my spirit and my heart because we were so close only to find out that they lied for no reason constantly. Why would I ever lie to anyone after that? Especially to someone I care about as much as I did for you. And the things you accused me of lying about? Why do you have to be so stupid?


9. I hated the way you talked to my parents. They liked you alright, but some of the things you said, and the way you said it, you sounded like such a suck up. And your jokes? Some of them were fine, but when you joke about having AIDS in front of my dad? No. No no no. Why the hell would you do that? 


10. I hated how you expected me to look my best everyday. I'm tired. I don't sleep at night. I'm 70% sure that I'm an insomniac. I hate mornings, and my hair looks fine natural. I don't have the time or patience or strength to straighten my hair perfectly straight every morning. And yeah, I have acne and I cover it up best I can, so yeah, I do wear a lot of makeup. I know that. I know when I'm having a bad hair day. I know why my makeup looks bad. I know when I got 4 hours of sleep. I don't need you to tell me that. (See No. 1) Especially coming from the guy that said I was beautiful no matter what. That you loved my hair no matter how I wore it. 


11. I hated it when you told me you would quit. Its great if you're going to quit, but don't tell me you're going to if you're not going to. Because honestly I don't care what you do. Its your life. And especially don't tell me that I'm your motivation for quitting, and then show up the next day messed up. That makes me feel worthless, like I'm not good enough. And you know, that thought would have never come into my mind if you hadn't told me that you were quitting for me.


12. I hate how you made me cry and yet you somehow have reason to be mad at me for it? Really? Your mad because you hurt me and I'm not going to just pretend that I'm okay with it? No. That's not going to fly. I was there for you. I cared about you. I put every ounce of energy I had into making us work. I ruined my relationship with my parents, because I was so absorbed in my thought about you that I was too preoccupied to treat them with respect. I did everything I could for you. 


13. And how do you repay me? "I will meet you right here after class" I hate how you got my hopes up for nothing. Spanish. I hate it. I just sat there all hour waiting to get out hoping to see you standing there waiting for me. But day after day, you didn't show. I didn't get mad. I didn't give you the cold shoulder. I gave you a pass. I let it go. And then you don't call me? And then I call you and you don't answer, and then when you finally do you're (See No. 11) and you tell me you'll call me back later. Guess you never called me back? And guess who went to sleep feeling miserable, and unwanted? 


14. I hate that you're "just so stressed out" because I've been stressing since the very beginning. But I stayed to make it work. I stayed because I cared about you. I stayed because I couldn't just quit. I did everything in my power to make you happy and everything I could wasn't good enough for you. No, you don't care about me. If you did today would have gone down a lot differently. I cared. When you were alone, when no one else was there. I was. So thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great.

And Here We Go Again.
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent,
To think that we'd regret.
So we just take it back,
These words and hold our breath,
Forget, the things we swore we meant
I'll write you just to let you know,
That I'm alright.
Can't say I'm sad to see you,
Go.
Cuz I'm not.
~Paramore

Its a New Day its a New Dawn, In an Old World, Full of Sh**ty People

So there's a lot of new stupid things I say now, like
You -insert adjective, characteristic, or action of person here- You.
Ex. you math wiz, you.
I dig that
Ex. I dig that.
the word "dope"
Ex. Yeah that's pretty dope.
Who has two thumbs and ______ This Girl!

I'm noticing I hold grudges now. Not sure how I feel about that.

Cuz I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby.

I do not however, listen to Iron Maiden.

I don't know why I'm doing this, but I felt like saying words, to a public audience, so here I am.
(However very unpublic it may be)


I also notice that I blush quite a lot. But I noticed that a long time ago.

I either talk incredibly loud, or not at all.


If I don't talk loud enough, no one can hear the funny things I say ;)

Something about battling pink robots

I have a friend, his name rhymes with....... Mames. And he's all sad and stuff. So, this little bit of sepparated lines is supposed to cheer you up. And if it doesn't cheer you up, I WILL send in a unicorn to eat your soul. And then Bam, no more pain :)

Now hold on, I lost an earring.
 Whew! Found it. Also, a Batman sticker. I'm pretty excited.

YES!!! BATMAN PHONE!!!

 This phone, from now on, will be used only to take the law into its own hands, and DEFEAT the mobsters and drug cartels in the streets!! Not really, I need to call my mommy and stuff. But still, cool phone.

Well, Alright.... I guess I'm done now.

Night All.

FAAAANCY COOOOOLLOOOOORSSSSS


Okay. I promise I'm done now. Oh God, this color is terrifying. 

Thoughtsonmymind, rightnow.

I remember this one time when I was like…pretty. Yeah, that was a fun time.

I don’t know what going on in girl’s minds when they take some pictures, and how they get their friend to pose the same. “Okay so like, I’m gonna put on these like, super short shorts, and like, you should wear like, the red ones over there, and then like, we should put on those tank tops. We should like, pull them down, like really low and like, bend down in front of the camera.”

I really wish I had money.

I really wish I had a laptop.

I really wish I had an ipad 2. I know it has a stupid name, but, those commercials are awesome, and I am severely impressed.

I really wish my mom would replace my broken phone. Because you know, its broken.

I really wish my phone working.

I’m fat.

I really need to do my summer English assignment.

I think I need a therapist.

I really like this song.

Are you too good for your home ball?!?!

I suck at put put.

I suck at most stuff.

To see you in the morning is a gift that I didn’t think could be real.

I haven’t seen my dad since 4th grade….. What an asshole.

I think I might need therapy. Or medication.

I’m fat.

I miss my aunt.

I need to get out of the house.

Hey the sun is out. I’m leaving,

Bye.

Things My Mom Says that Drive Me Crazy.

1. Okay, here's the deal.
2. If you can work it to accommodate my schedule...
3. I really don't feel like it.
4. I need to talk to you.
5. Chaperon
6. Reagan
7. Do I know him?
8. Do you like him?
9. You have a boyfriend?
10. You have a _______ account? Why aren't I on it?
11. What do you like about him?
12. Because I said so.
13. It really hurt my feelings.
14. Are you on your period?
15. Wow, you're in a great mood today.
16. I would never pressure you to do anything.
17. Do your friends smoke/drink/do drugs?
18. Did you eat lunch?
19. There's some carrots in the fridge. 
20. This is not the asparagus from your childhood.
21. You've never been fat. OR chubby.
22. Can I come with you? 
23. You should invite him over for dinner. 
24. I just wish I knew what they really thought about me.
25. You don't have to say anything.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but she needs to chill out.

I Think Your Mom is Crazy

Once upon a time there was a girl with flaming hair. I mean literally, her hair was on fire. All the time. It was very difficult for her to sleep because she always burnt the pillows. Now that wouldn’t be such a big deal, because she is immune to fire, but fire spreads and so the bed would catch on fire, and then the floor, and then her collection of the Beatles memorabilia, and then the walls, and then the next rooms, and so on and so forth. And so not only does that put the lives of her family in danger, plus her Beatles collection completely gone, and though the fire might not kill her, being in a house of flame would be disastrously uncomfortable.

One day the girl with flaming hair decided to take a casual stroll through an enchanted forest. Now if you know anything about trees, you would know that they are very flammable. So basically, any type of forest would be a thing you would want to avoid if you had a pouf of fire atop your head. While trying to avoid spreading fires, the girl with flaming hair flung her hair back to dodge an upcoming branch. Common sense would say that fire is probably a bad thing to fling. But this was a long time ago, and the average person didn’t have a lot of that. So as I was saying, the girl with flaming hair flings back a piece of hair, which ends up hitting a previously avoided branch and catches on fire. Hearing the sounds of pines crackling, she turned around and seeing her terrible mistake, she begins to scream.

A distance away, a handsome young man was getting a drink from the nearby stream and heard the girl’s call. Still being very thirsty, since he had recently taken a Benadryl, he filled a large jug with the water and off he went. He Arrived Just in Time!! He found the girl trying to stomp out the fire with her feet, but to no avail.

“Stand back fair maiden!!” Said the brave and handsome young man as he threw his jug of water onto the fire.

The fire was then extinguished, (not to be confused with distinguished, having an air of distinction, dignity, or eminence) and the handsome young man was able to get a proper look at the girl with flaming hair.

“Oh my! Your hair is on fire!! Come with me, we must get to the stream!!”

“Oh no, my hair has always been like this! I am not in any danger.”

“Really? Wow that’s amazing.”

Suddenly the handsome young man was overcome with strange feelings!! It was like butterflies fluttering throughout his organs!! His heart rate increased!! He felt dizzy!! He was in love, or maybe it was the Benadryl. But either way, the girl with flaming hair was very beautiful.

“You are so beautiful.” He said with dreamy eyes.

The girl with flaming hair blushed. “Why thank you, you are quite handsome yourself.”

“I must be off. But won’t you first give me a parting kiss which to take with me?”

The girl with flaming hair leaned in to give him a kiss, but before she could do so, a strand of hair reached his shirt and caught it on fire. He looked down, noticed it on fire and ran away screaming, but before he got too far, he fell down and fell asleep. He had been having a runny nose for weeks now. The impact put out the flame, but now the girl with flaming hair was very upset. She walked over to him and saw that he was asleep. She knelt down beside him and began to weep. Why couldn’t her sister be the one to have hair with flames? Maybe then she wouldn’t be able to have all those cats. I don’t know how long to knelt there crying, nor do I really care. But eventually it woke up the handsome young man.

“Do not weep, beautiful maiden.”

“What reason do I have to be happy? I put everyone I care about in danger.”

What a sad life to have! The young man thought. “Don’t worry my love, I will put a stop to this and we shall be together. But until then, have you thought of wearing a ponytail?”

“What a smart idea!!”

After that, the handsome young man spent many days and many weeks thinking about the girl with flaming hair. He often came to her to ask her questions about her miraculous uncommoninity. One day he figured out what do to! He had spent many days studying her flame retardant clothing, given to her by the nearby retired gypsy. Why did they never think to use this for her pillows? He often thought. After much time in the lab, he was successful, and ran off to find the girl with flaming hair.

“My love, I have found the answer!” He said handing her a bottle.

“What’s this?” She said.

“I call it, Shampoo. Just wash your hair with this and the effects of your hair will wear off.”

The girl with flaming hair was so excited!! She gave the handsome young man a big hug and burnt him, then apologized feverishly and ran off to wash her hair. It had worked!! The girl and young man got married and lived happily ever after with 5 beautiful children. There were of course some problems with the shampoo. The counter effect didn’t last forever, so they were always having to make more, and then they ceased to work when the girl with flaming hair got angry, or went out in the rain. But mostly they were happy.

The End

Things I'm Currently Obsessed With

1. The Hives, Howlin Pelle Almqvist, and his howls.

2. Amazon. I've been surfing Amazon for the past two days, I love it so much.

3. Netflix. I mean how could you not be? 

4. Doctor Who. Me and my old brother used to watchi it together all the time, but then he joined the Navy, soooo, I've watched every single episode since 2005 to current in order on Netflix.... It took me about a week. I didn't do anything else......

Also David Tennant is gorgeous.

5. Twitter. I know, I know, "Twitter is overrated and stupid." Except its awesome and I love it....

6. Stumbleupon. Stumbleupon.

Right now, thinking back on my childhood, I remember pulling into our driveway in Tulsa listening to Smooth Criminal by Alien Antfarm, wanting all the stuff they sold through commercials, watching Boomerang, coming home from school to find my big brother sitting cross-legged, 3 feet away from the TV watching Pokemon, pretending to be sick so I didn't have to do my chores and I could watch Arthur instead, and my family surprise birthday when I was.........7? Anyway, I had one of those really cool cakes with the real Barbie and the cake was her dress. 

I really didn't want pig tails.....

Well that's all folks!

What I've Learned Thus Far...

Since I was born after the 1930s, television has always been apart of my life and I've always had one in my house. My parents love to watch movies, so I've always watched a lot of movies, and just like plenty my age, it's my own social tutor. This is what TV and movies has taught me:

1. Love doesn't exist. It's a marketing tool. You can know that you're not in love, if you're feeling what any character who is in love in any romantic movie, ever felt.
2. If you're not popular, and you want to be popular, you will never be popular.
3. Nothing about how to deal with awkward moments, like what happens between asking a girl out, and showing up at her house. Like for instance, any information that might help you get to her house.
4. Moms are crazy.
5. ALL aunts are crazy.
6. How NOT to break up with someone.
7. Every pick up line, romantic quote, metaphor about the heart, ever.
8. How to run dramatically into someone's arms.
9. How to ignore people in public.
10. How to disguise yourself as a man in a mustache
11. That you should never put headphones in your friend's ear, and then tell them from a distance how to hit on a girl. Although I still REALLY wanna try it.
12. How to be awkward.
13. How to waste time.
14. How to piss people off.

Thanks for reading :) Please Comment or I will be forced to fall off the Seattle Space Needle into my untimely death. 

"Went to her house to get her out of the pad
Dumb hoe says something stupid that made me mad
She said somethin that I couldn't believe
So I grabbed the stupid b   h by her nappy a s weave
She started talkin s  t, wouldn't you know?
Reached back like a pimp and slapped the hoe"

Too Many Reasons for Trouble

This was originally a Facebook note from December 22, 2010

I hate creaking old houses, and I hate making noises when I walk. 

I hate cold rainy days and long romantic talks.

I hate when my hair chooses to be rebellious. 

I hate watching football, and I hate to be alone.

I hate feeling like an outsider.

I hate being around my friends when no one has anything to say. 

I hate when they don't get "no". 

I hate keeping secrets, and I hate when I can't know.

I hate when people hate good music. 

I hate when I put myself before others.

I hate when my friends hate my friends.

I hate when people don't give anyone a chance.

I absolutely hate first impressions.

I hate when people can't forgive.

I hate when people are over dramatic and I hate when they're up so high on their horse to get offended because "how dare they say that to ME."

I hate having to be patient, to the point of numbness.

I hate when my friends hate their parents. 

I hate hatred. I absolutely can't stand it.

Hate. I hate to say it. 

~Hatred is the biggest sin~

Playa be Hatin'

I Realized After I Posted This That it Didn't have a Title

I think I'm going to write to you guys today. Its funny that I do this, most of my friends don't even read and I don't know who reads this....all my views are from myself.

But, in an attempt to recapture your fickle attentions, I'm going to talk about myself!! I know you all love it when people talk about themselves. Especially when it's a long monologue that you can't contribute into!! Although you see, I'm not sure what to tell you all about, you see,

1. I can't ever decide what kind of person I am. I guess I'm insane like that. What I mean is that my views, on almost everything change periodically. Every few months, every few weeks, every year, from day to day, you can ask me my opinions and get different, yet utterly passionate answers.
2. I am featured, in a book of my friend's. It's a fiction, so the character is not me, just simply inspired, and slightly based by me. I am the hardcore, comic relieve. In this book, we attend a private school. I do such activities as dance on tables, only wear my uniform 4 days of the week, and on the days that I do wear my uniform, I do not wear it um, properly? I guess? Ex. A tie around my head, out of dress code pants, etc. So, by this you can see what people think of me. :)
3. I am very popular at school; with the drama, band and choir nerds. I am their sovereign ruler.
4. The other day, I was very hyper. I came home, ran around my house like a tyrannosaurus rex, jumped on everyone's bed, and while my little brother and sister were playing outside with their friends, I opened up my sister's window and shouted incoherently at them. I tried to ride my sister's bike, but I was too big. So I tried to ride my older brother's bike, but I was too short. That makes for a pretty picture. After that, I went inside and gangsta rapped. Then, I head banged to some screamo. 
5. I've been sitting here for about an hour, trying to think of a number 5.
6. I really want my hair to grow. I wish I was contempt with easily manageable hair, I just don't think I could be happy unless I invested all of my time into my hair.
7. I'm trying to decide whether I should stick with Theatre Production for my second elective class next year or switch it to Journalism
8. I really want this camera. I mean, I Really. Want this camera:

PENTAX x90 26x Optical Zoom 12.1 MP


So I hoped you learned something new about me. I'm running low on wit and charm, so post a comment. PLLEEEASE tell me what you're thinking and um, give me some ideas?? I aim to please.

"Oh the boy's a slag, the best you ever had,
The best you ever had is just a memory and those dreams 
Aren't as daft as they seem,
Not as daft as they seem,
My love when you dream them up."


-Arctic Monkeys

Drunken Lullabies

I have a book. A book of quotes, because I think I'm hilarious, and I like to remember the things I say. But not only that, there's quotes from movies, and things. Mainly, it's just stuff from when I hang out with my best friend. Here's some things from that book: (substitute names)

Pedro: I win
Me: U win?
Pedro: eodihredn rltiewjwao feklrah
Me: WTH?
Pedro: Ha, I win the confusing game, I confused you, I get all the Apples.
Me: Dangit, I had something planned for dem apples.
Pedro: Well you can give me all of the Apples or 3/4 of the Bananas
Me: Well I has no Bananas, so I will give you 3/4 of nothing.
Pedro: Erm, I agree to your terms.


"Don't tell my toes I said that. They'll have self-esteem issues. They are more confident than most toes."


"Look at his face! It's all facey!"


Me: I put the cookies in the baking machine
Julia Fitzburger: The baking machine?
Me: Yes, the hot box.


"I don't know why massaging the popcorn seemed like a good idea..."


"That was like two straight minutes of retarded."


"It's PANDAmoneum!!"


Me: Collasoally Cool, Man!
Julia Fitzburger: Yeah Man, Totally Tubular!!


"Please buy me a rabbit"


"OMG, I'ma fireplace!!"


"I like your babies!!"
(Actually said to an actual stranger in the mall who had actual babies ^.^)


Beatrice Burrito: 0 trans fat!!
Me: Oh! Thank God! I hate trans fat! The make me feel so fat, and....transy...
Beatrice Burrito: They make me feel so transexually fat.


Taco Tom: AH! My nipples! Hold on, let me finish my ice cream first.


La Herramienta: Did you guys drink anything?
Barbie: Yeah...?
La Herramienta: Did you drink apple juice?


Madre: I love you. You smell nice.


"That's what happens when I eat pop."


"Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!!"

And then there's a long list of area codes, because, um, I got bored......

"Come doused in mud, soaked in bleach 
As I want you to be
As as trend, as a friend
As an old memory"

Can you hear this? Do you need me to turn it up?

This morning I got dumped. And I was okay with it, and I saw it coming. So why am I in tears now?
I got the TEXT and laughed. Why am I in tears now?
I knew it was going to end eventually. This is what I've been waiting for this whole time. So why am I in tears now?
He didn't talk to me all day yesterday, and the day before that, I was completely bitchy. It's not like I loved him. So why am I in tears now?
I was fine all day. Why am I in tears now?


Fact is, he was the best boyfriend I've ever had.
Honestly, I never wanted to start dating him in the first place.
Fact is, he's not like any other guy I know.
Honestly, I knew he didn't mean it, every time he told me he loved me.
Fact is, I've never been so happy, spending time with someone.
Honestly, I'm not that girl who lets people hurt her.
Fact is. He Hurt Me.

I can be fine. Around all those people, in school. I'm alone with my thoughts and completely miserable.
It can't help at all when he sends me a text. It doesn't help at all when he contradicts me. 


My confidence is at an all time low.  It's good to know he's honest enough to tell me that he broke up with me for another girl. Whether he realizes he told me that or not. I lie, and I say I'm okay. But I'm not okay.

Tell me I'm beautiful.

And here we go again,

With all the things we said

And not a minute spent

To think that we'd regret

So we just take it back,

These words and hold our breath

Forget, these words we swore we meant

I'll write you fast to let you know 

That I'm alright,

Can't say I'm sad to see you

Go, Cuz I'm not.

-Paramore

I may say it was your fault
Cause I know you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done
By such a smiling sweetheart
Oh and your sweet and pretty face

-The Kooks

The Difference Between You and Me is That I'm Not On Fire, Or Something Like That

I don't feel like writing because I have nothing to talk about, but I really want to write. Because that makes perfect sense, shut up. 


So Wednesday I got a haircut, which I am pretty excited about. I'm dying it. Some time, in the future, which is pretty frickin' exciting and stuff. 


The Sun Shines On a Rainy Day
The Cameras Tell me what to say
And We don't wait,
For that second hand to move


Alright. So I have this English teacher. Well of course I only have one, I don't know why anyone would have more than one English teacher at a time. It's like having more than one car, or house. You only use one so why do you need two? So this lady, well, she reminds me of Dolores Umbridge. I swear to Harry Potter, she is the scariest lady I have ever met. I just want to slap her every time she smiles at me. She makes us take notes on short stories but we don't get to write them. She's evil. Anyway, she gave us this disgusting project, (The 15th one this school year) about Henry V. No discussions, no books have been mentioned about Henry V, I really don't know what he has to do with English, because she didn't tell us, she just handed out the project description with subjects to do our project on.  Oh the Kooks are on, it's impossible for me to think unhappy thoughts. Sorry, this blog is over. As if you were enjoying this anyway.

"Looks are deceiving, making me believe it,
And these tiresome paper dreams
Paper dreams, honey
So won't you go far,
Tell me you're a keeper
Not about to lie down for cause
But you don't pull my strings 
Cuz I'm a better man,
Moving on to better things."

You're So Cute When You're Full Of......

No matter how I might fight it, I'm a hopeless romantic. But the last year and maybe more have been spent realizing how stupid it is to make yourself fall in love, or to think you're in love, at least at this point in my life, and so on and so forth. I hate this realization. I want to be carelessly euphoric, and naive. Because I have an amazing person in my life, but I know it means nothing, and it's so hard to enjoy something you know is going to end.  I do enjoy it. Plenty. Just not as much as I wish I did. Music isn't the same anymore. Lately, I just can't get into music like I used to. It doesn't make me feel the same. Because somewhere, sometime, someone told me that that was crap, and the pressure to be perfect is beginning to eat at me. Who Knew?

It seems like everything is fake. The people, some music, the food, the toys, EVERYTHING on TV.... People who I used to call my friends will have nothing to do with me anymore. And the biggest thing, when someone who I once considered my best friend, someone who hated the main of main stream, every preppy girl who ever walked past, and every preppy fad you could think of...... completely absorbed by everything she used to hate. Worst of all, that girl can NOT figure out how to cover her ENTIRE face with makeup, because people can still see that 1/2 inch all around your face you didn't get. 

Anyways, I wrote this to complain about how the guy I'm with is completely ridiculous, but so sweet, and how I know that he's going to realize how much he doesn't mean anything he's ever said. 

So yeah, that's that, and oh yeah, it's April Fool's Day..... Happy That......

Um, however you spell goodbye in Spanish.....


"Weighed Down With Words 
Too, Over Dramatic
Tonight it's 'It can't get much worse'
Versus 'No one should ever feel like'"

I'm Not Afraid

When I was 13, I loved it. I didn't want to move. I wanted to be 13 forever. I didn't want to go forward or backward, because I was so happy. I was content. Then I turned 14. And trust me, I'm optimistic, I had that attitude of  "Oh don't worry, maybe it won't be so bad" or at least I tried, but I was miserable nevertheless. And I lost part of me. The best part. I lost a lot of my enthusiasm. My love of life and friends and LIVING. Since I knew I couldn't go back, I just started concentrating on moving forward. For the first time in my entire life, I wasn't living in the moment. For the first time in 14 years, I couldn't wait to be older. To be 18. I've never wanted that. I've always wanted to just stay a kid. Forever. And then I realized why I was miserable, and I completely eliminated that part of my life. Actually, technically I haven't just yet, but I have in my mind!

And now I'm happy to be alive again. I want to live. To be a kid. To be Reagan. The happy-crazy enthusiastic girl you all know and love. For the first time, 14 is looking like a great number. I'm happy, okay? I'm happy. 

So I'm taking a step out of my confided room. I'm letting myself go, I'm living my life, in this moment, and most of all, I'm being myself, again.

I know there was more I was going to talk about, but its not coming to me right now, so I'll just post a song a was working on the other night.

I cross my legs and count to ten
and as girl, I played.
I never waited for the wind to throw my caution to
Travels end
The snow must thin.
Cuz it don't want to stay.
Please don't pretend.
You want the spring as much as anyone.

[chorus]
Cuz I
Want you
Need you
Is this how its supposed to be?
I need you
To be you
The only way is to say you love me too.

I sat outside the open doors 
Cuz it's the only way.
And when I realized 
It was foolish,
Well I had to run away.
And when I've closed my doors,
It means I'm not letting you in
It's time to walk away
No need for you to stay,

[chorus]

We laughed at girls
Who bite their minds
And say I love you you're the,
The only one I'll ever need.
Let me show you tonight
The boys will bite
They'll pick a fight and then you'll never forget
What you're no waiting for...
It's going to hurt.

[chorus]

WE NEED TO TALK.

It's been a long time. I know I haven't been here but I hope you'll forgive me for that.

Today. 

Today, is the first day of February. And we all know what that means. In just 14 short days, that's two weeks, the world will be giving their girlfriends roses and those nasty tasting candy hearts that are impossible to chew with cute little phrases on them. 

It's the month of love, and everyone is looking for it. This year, for the first time in my life, I am NOT. I've never been the type of person who chooses to be single. I've never been the person to want to vomit at the romance. And the reason being is that I'm 14. There is no romance. No one loves anybody, they just think they do. Its a cultural disease, and you know its gotten you before. Bit you in the ass too. But its okay, because one day, you and everyone around you will grow up, and that's what I've been hoping for. 

Teenage girls want to be in love. Teenage boys want to loose their virginity. So obviously, that's the worst combination in the world. I, do not want to be in love. I've resolved to act like a 5 year old. Love is gross. And having sex is stupid. I've realized in the last few months how easy it is to (NOT) fall in love. 

That doesn't mean I don't want a boyfriend or I don't like Valentine's Day. It's a great holiday. Very Fun. I just want to be a kid. Kids don't fall in love. Kids have fun. 

I'm sorry baby, for making you believe. 
And maybe you could tell that I've done this before. 

But I how can we be sure of such an awful thing as love?

-a forgotten song of mine

How to Deal With Anger

1. Think of nothing else than what is making you angry.
2. Hold your breath for 10 seconds.
3. Punch someone.
4. Punch two someones.
5. If you're mad at your parents, go bazzirk and kill your whole family.
6. Knock everything on any surface down onto the ground anywhere you go.
7. Tell everyone what worthless pieces of crap they are. 
8. Sabotage your friend's once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
9. Push people off great heights.
10. Tell your boss/teacher how much you hate them.
11. Take your anger out on the people you love the most.
12. Crush others' dreams

You should find yourself pretty relaxed eventually.